I can't remember more exciting times! Every day brings such extraordinary treasures in the form of simply incredible news. It's all so stimulating.

But some people are just spoilsports. They would like to tell us that things are really not going all that well, in fact they want to tell us that we are all going to hell in a handbasket.

And sure you could see how this new attack-first policy provides a beautiful and even poetic, circular excuse for us to enrage more nations and spawn more terrorist factions, who will then make ugly noises against America that will then give the Cheney war machine a fresh excuse to blow them up and build more missiles and thus create more terrorists and keep the whole machine rolling along as long as possible. Do you see it? The brilliant self-regenerating loop? This is the plan.

ASHCROFT FONDLES YOUR INBOX

Four in five apparently very gullible Americans would give up some freedoms to gain security and four in 10 worry terrorists will harm them or their family, a new Gallup poll shows, causing much cheering and champagne-cork popping in the John Ashcroft Civil Liberties Sodomization and Rampant Homophobia Lounge in Hell, which is only a short jog from the new Robert C. Fleming Jr. Sub-Sub-Basement and Utter Jackass Emporium, as they realized the incessant wave of ongoing disinformation, false terrorist warnings, and general sniveling alarmist fear tactics aimed at the US populace are working beautifully. About one-third of those polled favor making it easier for authorities to access private e-mail and phone conversations. More than 70 percent are in favor of requiring U.S. citizens to carry ID cards with fingerprints. 57 percent have pretty much given up hope and don't really care anymore that GW Bush has the intellectual acumen of a garage door, 37 percent actually believe Carrot Top is "sorta funny," and a very horrifying 19 percent actually think Celine Dion is charming and way talented.