gay racketeers just wanna have fun

We love Paul Rudnick! This week in The New Yorker he writes a helpful memo to the FBI which should assist them in an investigation of the putative Gay Mafia.

RE: The F.B.I.'s racketeering division recently infiltrated the nation's alleged Gay Mafia, with operatives working under cover as vicious choreographers, neo-con columnists, and chatty houseboys. These moles have discovered many significant differences between this far-reaching criminal enterprise and its heterosexual counterpart.
Selections from his crimebusters-handy list:
3. High-ranking members of the Gay Mafia communicate almost exclusively by phone. Code phrases include "Stop it," "So when I ran into him I was very so-fine-we-had-sex-so-what-I-still-hate-you," and "Oh, she's one to talk."

7. The Gay Mafia's links to the Catholic Church are extensive, and most often begin with the phrase "Jimmy, did you know that the Apostles liked to wrestle?"

10. The Gay Mafia has its origins in ancient Greece, when Don Plato first remarked to a group of graceful youths, "I am so over Carthage." [he shoulda written, "Sparta"]

14. The Gay Mafia is assumed to have connections with dockworkers and longshoremen, because they're just so damn hot.

17. The Transgendered Mafia is becoming a major player, mostly because they're so tall.