Brandon Kelley

I'm not much of an advertisement for an energetic homosexual at this moment so I was curious about "Where do Homosexuals Get All Their Energy?", this piece in last week's The Onion. I read it straight through to the end. This was unusual for me, because I normally find the paper's headlines much funnier than the full satirical narratives. Hey, I'm busy.

Sometimes I really am a very energetic homosexual, but right now I'm sitting at the breakfast room table at one in the afternoon, after a leisurely reading of the morning papers (and an old Onion). I'm about to leave the apartment with my partner (although there's no rush) for a visit to the Metropolitan on a beautiful afternoon, leaving it to someone else to clean and put everything in order at home while we're gone.

The satirical weekly's Brandon Kelley (the writer's pseudonym*) would describe my lifestyle differently. He starts out with a general comparison and continues with an elaboration on contrasting staight/gay competencies:

Boy, am I beat. And it's not like I have some crazy life where I'm working three jobs and going to night school. No, I just have one job and a small apartment. I don't even have a pet to look after. Even so, it seems that no matter what I do, there's always more. If they put another eight hours in the day, I might be able to catch up on the laundry list of chores I have, or even just my laundry, if I were lucky. But you know who really gets it done? Homosexuals.

I know what you're saying: Brandon, you're just perpetuating the stereotype that homosexuals are superhuman. That is totally not true. All I'm saying is, with their boundless energy and talents, they make us straight guys look bad.

And don't remind me about those gallery openings. After a hard day of work, I was barely able to drag my ass down to the last one. I told myself, I'm not doing this again anytime soon! But it would never occur to homosexuals to think those things. The moment I walked in, there they were, dressed impeccably and criticizing the choice of wine.

*
I understand the portrait images used are those of the staff and their friends

[image from The Onion]